Finding a new balance

I have been on a long search for myself this year.  What is it with the age of 25 that makes you freeze hard in your tracks like a deer in the headlights... making you reevaluate your whole life and everything you are doing.  I think that I have had more conversations with myself this past year than i've had with myself over my lifetime.  A dear friend gave me the analogy that it feels like i'm on one of those hampster spinning wheels and I am trying to find the exit so that I can start living and stop spinning.

My role as a mother has changed this year.  I am no longer needed so much physically.  My little just isn't so little any more, and yet he is still so little.  He can get himself a "cold drink" of water (because heaven forbid you get him a warm drink).  He can get his shoes on by himself (except for when he want;s his shoes on "super tight" because only mom can make them perfectly super tight).  He can wash his hands by himself with NO less than 2 pumps of soap.  He has quite the opinion of how he dresses and no longer wants me to pick out his outfits.  He has his own little social life with the cutest little friends and would often prefer to play with them over me... except when his friends fight, then I am always his choice.  He is becoming his own little person.  Quite possibly the coolest little person I know.  Where does that leave me?  I am there to kiss the ouchies, to encourage him to spread his wings a little and to try new things. I am there to give "huggie loves" and dry the tears when feelings are hurt.  I am there to drive him to preschool and pick him up with a yummy snack and hug in tote.  I am there to introduce him to new songs so we can have a "jam sesh."  But my heart... my heart is in a pretzel.  I am trying hard to live in the moment, to soak him up... but I feel like it's dripping through my fingers.  I am trying to find a new balance.

My role as an employee has changed this year.  I went from a job that was stressful, challenging, and very long hours... that I was reallllly good at.  I worked there for 5 years and was the top performer for years in a row.  It felt good to be good at something, to be that special person that people turn to when they have a question because they know you have the answer.  It was a place where I felt like I was liked and valued.  A place where I pushed myself to my max every time I was there.  A place where I was stretched and made uncomfortable.  It was a place where I had to stand up hard for what I believed in.  And I left it all.  I left it all for my family.  It was a good change for our family dynamic, and I feel extremely blessed to be in the position where I could put in my resignation because of my own choice and not have my resignation be decided for me.  But I am struggling to fill that space a little bit.  I miss learning something new every day.  I miss failing miserably only to turn around and prove that I could do it right.  I miss chatting with my customers and co-workers and hearing about their day.  I found new employment right after putting in my resignation where I get to choose my hours and come and go as I please, a low stress environment, with bosses that truly value me.  But I am alone there... I sit in an office all by myself and my mind is not being stretched.  Am I grateful for this change that I chose?  Absolutely.  Do I love having more time with Sawyer and our family?  Absolutely.  But I am trying to find a new balance.

My role as wife has changed this year from a partner in our income to more of a dependant on my partner to get us through.  To be more of a support in the home and not as big of a financial support.  I am learning.  In our 6+ years of marriage I have always been an equal as far as our income is concerned.  We have leaned on each other to be financially sound.  And while we still lean on each other, I am now leaning a lot harder on him as far as our finances are concerned.  I am trying to find a new balance.

I have been absent this year from this space as I am trying to find a new voice.  A strong voice.  An alive voice.  Change is good.  We grow the most when there is change.  Change is necessary to help mold us into our best selves.  This space is going to change a bit.  I still want it to be a place where I record our family's happenings.  But I also want this to be a space where I stretch myself a little bit to work through these complicated feelings of growth with some humor and many ramblings.  Ramblings of Shay.  I want to worry less about what other people think of me and share from my heart.  Because the one thing I have learned this year is we all have a whole lot going on in our hearts that we can share.  A whole lot of lovin, of cheerleading, of empathy, of creativity, of spontaneity, of spunkiness... and I want this to be a place where I can connect with all those things in my heart.

So here I go... taking a big step to finding a new voice. Finding a new balance.  I am ready.