One Half (reminiscing)

Today I find myself standing in Sawyer's room as he is napping, quietly peering over the edge of the crib to watch his chest rise and fall with the sweet purring that only a baby makes. And my heart aches just a little. My boy turns one half tomorrow. I have watched him as he has found his tongue, then his hands, then learn to kick his feet, then find his voice, and gain strength, all the while cheering my boy on hard like a cheerleader in an overtime game! And while I am so proud of his growing self, I take a moment to reflect on the day that we welcomed him into the world.

Dixon and I had such a hard time with his name. We had two names that we agreed on. JD (Dixon being the middle name) and Sawyer Anderson. Late at night I would make Dixon say the names out loud, just so I could hear them. We never shared our names with anyone. Mostly because it drives me nuts when people ask you the names you like and after telling them the names that are very dear to your heart, they get a disgusted look on their face and say "if that's what you like then i guess it's ok, but I would never name my child that!" Or the classic, "I knew a kid in highschool with that name and he was bad news." So we kept it under wraps. And in the morning when Dixon and I were getting ready I would make him say the names out loud again, just so i could envision my little guy!

I had an easy pregnancy physically. A little nausea and tiredness in the first trimester, but nothing to complain about. I loved my belly, loved feeling his movements... in the morning as I would wake up I would rub my belly and say "Hello Little Guy, time to get up," and he would greet me with a little kick to let me know he was ready for the day. I find these memories hitting me hard some days. Emotionally, I had a very difficult pregnancy, and because of that, I feel like I have blocked out a lot of my pregnancy from my memory. But every now and then I am hit hard by some of those sweet moments that have molded me into the mother I am today.

Even though my pregnancy is a blur, I remember his birthday like it was yesterday. I was so stressed because I wanted my mom to be here when he arrived, but he was keeping us guessing on what day he was coming. My due date was December 10, 2010. So we booked a flight for mom on December 1o and she was going to stay for a week (hoping that little guy would make an appearance). Ky was coming to Vegas with her ambassador team on December 7-10, so if he came early, Ky would be here to represent my family. On December 9, Ky invited me to go with her and her team to Phantom of the Opera at the Venetian. So off to the strip I went. It was slightly awkward being this big pregnant lady on the strip for some weird reason, but I got over it pretty fast. We shopped at the Fashion Show mall and realized that we were running late to dinner. So we did what anyone would do. We ran down the strip to catch our dinner reservations. Now if it was awkward being a pregnant lady walking the strip, imagine a pregnant lady running down the strip (I swear this put me in labor). Dinner was good and when we went to Phantom I sat down and the lady next to me asked me when I was due and when I replied "Tomorrow," she got wide eyes and said "wow, please don't go into labor during the show!" Ha!

Mom got here the 10 and after a night of contraction and walking with mom that morning to see if we could get the contractions to come closer, it was off to the hospital. I remember feeling so calm on the drive there. It was strange. I looked at Dixon and said "I can't possibly be in labor, I'm not screaming or in severe pain, they are going to send me home!" When I walked up to the front desk at the maternity ward the nurse looked at me and asked if she could help me. "Yes, I'm here to have my baby!!" "Are you getting induced?" "Nope, I'm in labor" She definately gave me the look that said "I'll check her and she's going back home. No way is this cheerful girl in labor." She handed me my gown, and I had the hardest time trying to figure out how on earth to get that thing on.. I blame it on being pregnant. I swear I lost brain cells. She checked me and I was a 4 1/2 with a bulging bag and announced that we were having our baby that day!" Everything moved really fast after that. Before I knew it I was a 6 and requested my epidural. Wasn't bad at all.

Then we started to push. I remember telling the nurse "thank you" over and over during this whole process and she thought it was so strange "you don't need to say thank you honey," she would say. But I was truly grateful. My nurse was better than I could have hoped for. She kept me so comfortable, and was so sweet through the whole thing. She made me feel like my baby was special, not just one more baby being born.

There is this moment right before Sawyer was born that time seemed to stop and I got this overwhelming feeling of love from my Savior, like he was telling me, 'this child is yours to raise on this earth. If you will always look to me, I will help you know how to raise him. You are his earthly mother. Love him.'

And then I saw him. He was so different than I thought he was going to look. (granted, when they are covered in all that slimey stuff they do look a little different). But he was more beautiful than I ever imagined. The tears came in streams. I sobbed and sobbed. I always told Dixon in our checkups that a baby's heartbeat is probably my favorite sound in the world. In that moment, his first cries became my most favorite sound in the world. It was like he was saying hi mom, hi mom, I'm so happy to finally meet you face to face. And I took him in my arms and kissed every part of his face. His eyes. His baby nose. His baby eyes. His baby cheeks. His baby lips. "He's perfect," I kept saying over and over. And he was.

Now he's six months. One half. And I am looking down at him and tears fall down my cheeks as I whisper "he's perfect, he's perfect." And he is.